By Alicia Lutes, Hollywood.com Staff
It's felt like 800 years since we last saw our favorite murderer-with-a-heart-of-gold (OK, so maybe it's just gold-plated or something. Shiny exterior, really, really bad interior). But in the world of Miami (People should really probably move away from there, huh? There's like, definitely a lot of serial killers there, you guys), it's been mere seconds. Which is a very, very good thing for us viewers.
First off, let's just get this out of the way right now: holyZOMGcanyoubelieveitohmyf**kinggod! This was an episode, my friends. For a show that arguably had a bit of a lurch there for the seasons after Trinity came in and murdered television (pun intended, and also in a good way), they really brought this one back to life with the quickness.
The premiere of Dexter's seventh season picks up right where season six left us: Dexter's sister has finally met his ~dark passenger~. BOOM! Travis Marshall is dead because he's exactly the same as Dexter (fake dead person telling him what to do, believing his killing is servicing some greater good, etc etc...) and right before she sees him murder Travis, Deb realizes that she maybe loves Dexter but we're all going to keep our fingers crossed that story line disappears.
But first: a frantic Dexter is running away from something! His credit cards are all declined! Is he on the run? Will he ever get to Budapest? Why would he want to go to Budapest? S**t is, well, ominous, you guys! But we'll get back there.
Deb is swearing up a storm because she just doesn't f**king understand why the f**king f**k this motherf**king a**hole is wrapped in plastic, Dex! S**t! (She's so eloquent, this one.) So Dexter decides to weave a web of lies. He's sad! You know, about that ex-wife of his that died 57 years ago, Rita. He snapped and well, he's a forensics guy so of course it was instinctual to not leave a trail? Even when you're saying you snapped? For the moment (temporary insanity is definitely strong here), Deb believes this stuff. Even though you can tell the wheels are turning in her head and she knows ain't nothing about any of Dexter's reasoning that makes sense.
But, we also know that Deb is really into mentally and emotionally stable guys--and does have an accidental fondness for serial killers, so we'll see what happens later on in the season. Deb agrees to go along with Dexter's Plan B (Plan A was ""hey, let's move the body!"" which was definitely the worse of the two options when your sister has seen you murder a dude), which is to light the place on fire and make it look like a suicidal tableau. (If you recall, Travis Marshall was convinced the world was ending, but it didn't (SUCKER!), so at least this part of their cockamamie plan is logical.)
NEXT: Flashbacks and Creepy Louis Alerts![PAGEBREAK]
So now it's flashback time! Puppies in the Morgan household = bad! Why? There's a baby ~dark passenger~ on board, of course. Keep all easily-murderable things away from baby Dexter, family. So the pooch has got to go. But more on that later.
The incredibly normal Morgan duo burn the church to bits--but uh oh, Dexter's signature keepsake-token thing--the slide of blood--has fallen out of his pocket, unbeknownst to him. Perfect bait for LaGuerta (UGH, LaGuerta) later.
But later is now: the two crime-committing Morgans return to the scene and Deb is everything short of green in the gills. Homegirl is totally not on her poker face game. But, she pulls it together to help keep Masuka away from Travis' tootsie where a lone piece of plastic had made itself a cozy little home. Sloppy Dexter? We never thought we'd see the day. But I guess your whole world and life unravelling might even get a sociopath a bit unnerved, huh?
LaGuerta shows up and notices the slide and gives it to evidence. That never ends well.
And now it's time for a Creepy Louis alert! ""You know, the more I get to know you, the weirder and weirder you get,"" says Jamie Batista, and well, duh. Way to deduce, Captain Obvious. My dude Louis here has set his tractor beam to ""HEEBIE JEEBIES x 1,000,000,000"" and is no doubt in for a seriously creepy story line this season. Oh and also he stole all of Dexter's credit card information while he was at Dexter's house and now is canceling all of Dexter's credit cards because he's cranky and weird and probably figures it's only a matter of time before Dexter tries to flee the country. Also Dexter is a total jerk or something whatever. Cover the bases! PSA: password protect your laptops, America. Especially if you're a serial killer.
Next up is the oldest trick in the horror book: Detective Mike Anderson is going to get it. Man, did they really have to go and kill him like that? And to have it be the black guy? Insult, meet injury. Some hokey horror movie tropes die hard, and on television. Anyway, yes, Mike Anderson gets himself murdered dead trying to help a dude who has a flat tire and a dead hooker in a trunk. Woopsies! Sorry dude, we really hardly knew ye.
Back at Normalcy Ranch, Deb's got a boatload of questions for the brother she might've maybe loved before in a creepy way but now probably has some pretty conflicting feelings about. How was Dexter so magically prepared to kill Travis? What did he mean by he knew what he was doing? Something is amiss, and she knows it.
Flashback time! Goodbye Banjo the dog. I won't even do a 'screwed the pooch' joke here because I love dogs and I'm just glad you got out of there before baby Dexter murdered you.
Next up, Dexter's checkin' finger prints on his iPhone because yes, there is an app for that. Apparently! Technology. Very impressive. But the car's been wiped clean: this missing murderer obviously knows what he's doing. Nefarious! Nefarious! More on this dweeb later, though.
NEXT: Deb sleuths, Dexter claims some baggage. [PAGEBREAK]
Back to Deb's mental unraveling of the facts: she's having flashbacks to that time she was almost murdered by her boyfriend/serial killer/step brother's secret brother/Rudy Cooper/Brian Moser. For those with faint memories of season one, Brian was mimicking Dexter's killing style, so when Deb notices the similarities in the set-ups, she digs into some old evidence to confirm her suspicions. Somethin' AIN'T RIGHT HERE, she knows it. Look at smart Deb go! (We love smart Deb, though we worry for how much longer she'll be alive.)
There's a brief interlude wherein Quinn and Angel hang out at a Ukranian-run strip club. (Did you all see Calista Flockhart in there? Look again if you missed it.) It's time for questions to be answered about our slain sex worker.
But first back to the struggle for Deb to understand that her brother killed a person and what-it-all-means. After a pause for some serious sad-person side-eye, Deb confronts Dexter on the facts she's found. He is, of course, naturally cagey with the details and just tries to shrug it off with all ""well I was there so maybe that's how I knew what to do?"" Uh huh, sure, OK dude. You know Deb isn't buying it but for now, Dexter needs to leave because he's found the name of the murderer thanks to INTERPOL (not the band, guys. The really important international body of policing one).
So now we've caught up to where the episode began, and Dexter decides that now is definitely the best time to go to the airport, find Viktor, and murder him. Because right now is definitely the best time to kill someone, yay! Listen, Dex, we know you need to kill people who are bad and also as a weird control thing, but like...I don't know, maybe murdering someone at a very busy International Airport right after your sister discovered you murdering someone else, is not a good idea. But apparently the TSA in Miami is run by a bunch of crackerjacks because when they find all of Dexter's murder syringes in his bag, he's all ""hey these are for my diabeetus!"" and naturally the TSA animal cracker--let me tell you they are just SO lax about security all of the time!--was like ""nah bro, it's cool go through.""
So Dexter's about to get on that murder tip, finds a totally empty bathroom (because those also exist in airports) and puts Viktor in a wheelchair with his go-go juice murder syringe juice and wheels him off to a totally-never-checked-on unclaimed baggage room. So he spreads out, gets down to prepping his business, waits for the guy to wake up--probably has some tea or something. I don't know! I don't know how long it takes for these bozos to wake up. But apparently in this completely locked room filled with valuables that totally wouldn't have a camera system set-up or whatever because who needs to keep an eye on people's things, Dexter and his buddy hang out until it's late at night time. And then Dexter murders Viktor who is all ""yo I have bad friends that will probably try to kill you, too"" which Dexter shrugs off because he has a ~dark passenger~, but we as the handy-dandy watchers know that's totally not going to happen. Because it's all connected! Viktor, the dancers who are totally being human trafficked over to the United States so the rich guy in Ukraine that the bar owner calls on the phone can stay rich. It's all interwoven. And they're expecting Viktor home, so when he doesn't show up, people will ask questions and calamities with the Russian/Ukranian/whatever mob will ensue.
Intermission - The Joey Quinn Poetry Jam: ""She's like a ghost in a g-string"" - Quinn, your words are so beautiful, so true. So deep. (Sidenote: those are some meth addiction levels of weight loss, my dude. Why so skinny? Are you going method on us?)
There's a few seconds in a bar that we don't really care about, but do establish that Quinn and Angel's bromance is slowly on the mend.
So back to Deb who is running and also scared and probably running scared and then she realizes something! Time to call Dexter's house, but oh wait! He's not home. He told Jamie that he was working late (which he does all the time!). Deb knows this is some major BEE-ESS on Dex's part since Masuka told her earlier that he and Dexter had a deal so he could leave work early.
We also get a quick scene between Masuka and LaGuerta chatting about blood slides on the scene and Masuka mentions what LaGuerta already knows: the only time someone's brought blood slides on the scene of a crime was the murderer (who everyone still thinks is the long-dead-because-Dexter-framed-and-murdered-him, Sergeant Doakes). The Bay Harbor Butcher, in fact. Dun dun dun! LaGuerta nabs that evidence back and you know she's going to figure out that something is afoot at the Circle K.
FLASHBACK time! Again! Dexter's step-dad is all ""yo never tell Deb that you're a total monster because then she'll be scared of you, because you're a total monster, and you'll be forever alone!"" This is the perfect segue to...
DEB KNOWS DEXTER IS A MURDERER WHO MURDERS ALL THE TIME NOT JUST ONCE BY ACCIDENT OR WHATEVER.
Yessir! Tis true. Dexter comes home and finds Deb has torn his apartment apart. And she's found everything. The slides, the knives, his kit. The whole shebang. And she asks him point blank if he's a serial killer. And in the most perfectly-filmed agonizing moments, Dexter finally comes clean: yes, he is a serial killer.
What did you think of the season premiere of Dexter? Did you like it as much as we did? Sound off in the comments!
[Photo Credit: Showtime]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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